I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm going insane. I have no idea what to do. Everything weighs down on me so badly. The weight on my shoulders drags them down as much as it drags down my sanity. I'm depressed. I'm sitting here again, wondering when something will move forward in my life. You didn't die for this. You didn't rise from the dead for this. I'm such a sinner. I've lost what self control I once had. And it's not for lack of trying - I've tried to let my desires overtake me, resistant to every nudge you gave me in the right direction. Why? Is sin so innate in me that I fail to fully grasp the implications of redemption? I should think not, since the truth has been made so clear to me, and mankind has no excuse. So why have I worked so hard to get to this point? Am I so resistant to letting go of my desires when I know they lead only to pain and destruction? And I drown. I drown into the thick, melancholic mud of this world, dragging me down in my depressed indifference. The jewels of the world don't shine so brightly when you inspect them closer. From a distance things seem so bright, and sin dims them all. Sin dims them all. Don't let it dim me. The harsh light I shined before was better than what I shine now. All of this knowledge, and for what? What is it worth in a heart and mind so corrupt that a whisper from the devil is enough to mislead me again? I pray Lord triune God, I beg for guidance. I pray, I beg for help. Remove this sin. Cut it out of me. Bring me back to where I was - the words I never thought I'd utter. Realizing truth only to backslide into outwardly comfortable lies. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2009 to lead me away from violence. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2012 to be with me and guide me out of atheism. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2014 to guide me away from my occult beliefs and to protect me from hostile spirits. Am I any better now than I was back then? Hardly. Guide me, God, to where you want me to be. It's been so long. I never want to go back again. My life is going in the exact wrong direction. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Help me give my cares and burdens to you again. Take this seemingly endless burden off my shoulders. Amen.