I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm going insane. I have no idea what to do. Everything weighs down on me so badly. The weight on my shoulders drags them down as much as it drags down my sanity. I'm depressed. I'm sitting here again, wondering when something will move forward in my life. You didn't die for this. You didn't rise from the dead for this. I'm such a sinner. I've lost what self control I once had. And it's not for lack of trying - I've tried to let my desires overtake me, resistant to every nudge you gave me in the right direction. Why? Is sin so innate in me that I fail to fully grasp the implications of redemption? I should think not, since the truth has been made so clear to me, and mankind has no excuse. So why have I worked so hard to get to this point? Am I so resistant to letting go of my desires when I know they lead only to pain and destruction? And I drown. I drown into the thick, melancholic mud of this world, dragging me down in my depressed indifference. The jewels of the world don't shine so brightly when you inspect them closer. From a distance things seem so bright, and sin dims them all. Sin dims them all. Don't let it dim me. The harsh light I shined before was better than what I shine now. All of this knowledge, and for what? What is it worth in a heart and mind so corrupt that a whisper from the devil is enough to mislead me again? I pray Lord triune God, I beg for guidance. I pray, I beg for help. Remove this sin. Cut it out of me. Bring me back to where I was - the words I never thought I'd utter. Realizing truth only to backslide into outwardly comfortable lies. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2009 to lead me away from violence. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2012 to be with me and guide me out of atheism. I pray with all the sincerity I had when I prayed in 2014 to guide me away from my occult beliefs and to protect me from hostile spirits. Am I any better now than I was back then? Hardly. Guide me, God, to where you want me to be. It's been so long. I never want to go back again. My life is going in the exact wrong direction. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Turn it around, and help me to accept it. Help me give my cares and burdens to you again. Take this seemingly endless burden off my shoulders. Amen.

I remember when it started, it felt like a new day Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind Going from hating the past to longing for what's left be- I remember when it started, it felt like a new day Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind Going from hating the past to longing for what's left behind I remember when it started, it felt like a new day Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind Going from hating the past to longing for what's left be- I remember when it started, it felt like a new day Every day that goes by now, I feel like I'm in more pain All the sanity I once had now is leaving my mind Going from hating the past to longing for what's left behi- i- i- iiiiiind All the sin that's deep inside, I grow weaker every day Trying to stand up when all I do is fall and break my legs All the lust and the wrath in perpetual gluttony Growing higher to the point I can no longer even see All the consequences of the things that I know I haven't done Or the things that I have, they're wrong, every single one All the peace that I felt is replaced by impatience Brought on by all the stress that I put upon myself I have zero restraint, and everything I do shows it How can I call myself a temple for Your Spirit? I'm a hypocrite and liar, I no longer want to be I want to finally fulfill the plans that You made for me But I know I can't do it, so again to You I pray Give me a new heart to resist the sin I desire and yet hate I sit here again confused and broken into pieces, and yet see That from the shards of my life, You can still make something out of me

Trapped in a mire of life Everyone leaves, including You Pouring the blackness in my soul I died and You left me there And it's not for want of trying I ask for guidance and I still choke You promise yet I cry alone Am I in Your kingdom or not? I feel like I'm failing, I am I was born in 2014. You rescued me with arms of light and strength. Clothed in Your armor, I found a strength I never knew I had. I rode into battle at once for Your name and glory, and fired off every form of ammunition I had. In 2015, I felt the darkness and asked for Your help. I sank into depression. 2016, I felt utterly lost and asked for answers. You only intervened when I became sick and suicidal. In 2017 I finally found the answers for which I asked in 2016. In 2018 I was ready to stand back up only to be knocked down by grief and loss. And now today, the 11th of March 2019, You do the same again. I believe in You, Your Son, and the Advocate. I can do nothing else, I have seen the truth with my own eyes. But more and more, I feel You don't love me, like this was all a joke. As if it were Your will all along to bring me back down, yet You promise this is not the case. I plead, and don't know what to do. My prayers go unanswered. If you want me, why do you only push me away? I want You. If You want me to spread the Gospel, why do You stop me so many times when I get the chance? Why, Lord? I don't know what else to say, what else to do Deep down You know I want to serve You My feet are slipping into the grave And You are the only one left who can save You know I am willing, to sacrifice all Yet doing the opposite always breaks my fall You know that I seek You; let me hear Your voice You know I'm cynical, but don't want that choice To leave this all behind, to fall in the dark Where is the light of that first shining spark? Will sickness and grieving consume all of me? Or will I step in Your kingdom in love and mercy? JESUS WEPT

In solitude, I seek You In the green and red and orange When the sky is gray with clouds I walk here seeking You, Renew my spirit That has been so long plagued

My world is bitter, stagnant My inner yearning grows Escape - my only passion Tiredness - all I know See roads left untraveled See cities, sun, and rain Dream of somewhere far away Dream and hope and pray

I'm 23 but feel more like a thousand Whatever joy I have, depression surrounds it Every day, watch it fade, everything that I love Displays the way the earth pervades different from that of above Living down here, living in fear, living through every year Giving my words, watch them unheard, in and out of their ears I have no tribe, I have no clan, I am a stranger in the land Everything here is foreign to me, guided now only by God's hand "Aw crap, what's that, you know I don't want that I don't want to hear about that God stuff again, take it all back" Too bad, so sad, I don't care anymore I'm going to speak even if you get bored I'm going to shriek even if you ignore I'm going to preach even if you abhor I'm going to seek a land where we are worth more More than we can be down here, down here Full of fallacies to tickle your ears Logic is nothing compared to a smile "Let me tell you what you want, stay awhile" I'm tired now, I don't want to hear that anymore I want to hear truth, I'm knocking so open the door I'm praying so pick me back up off the floor I'm staying, I'm willing, to change to the core I've lived in the old ways and seen where they lead I need to flee, I plea to see, the light shining like an ore If depression is a river, then pick up the oars If sin is a stumbling block, then stand up and roar Be more than you ever could be before Open your eyes, seek the prize, Eternal life, fight through the strife Glory in the teachings and grace of the Lord

Yo you know, we been here from the start yeah Now it's time to go to the heart yeah Dreams fall apart when you don't feel the part When the martyrs in charge are the harmers of art yeah, Run out free, go with me to the sea, then you'll see what I mean When I be totally isolated from our mandated humanity, What I say it just may be the way we should stay or it may go away I don't know I just go with the glow like it go in the evening when it sinks When you're done see the sun final show of the day As the plants drink in the sunlight, photosynthesis, Don't you see whom to fight, it's our nemesis, It's the demons who are being contradictory in our nature and our life, What we're feeling when we're sealing our beings in a contract out of strife, Money can't buy happiness but it sure can buy distraction, In the end it's all that matters when our God calls us to action, They still out here saying we can't sin, When it is precisely what they are doing, Call us sheep you can keep up your sleep You're not wolves, you are sheep or you're goats Who are doing the most doing work against us We're the pack you can't be and we're back can't you see We can't hide we are seen with our knees in the green With our hands to the sky with our faith we can't die with the gospel on the scene, We was lost in the woods now the cost to do good Is what we never could, that's the reason we should Look to Christ, He's the leader of the pack Superceder in the black The defeater got our back The computer's been hacked Now the lights going out, see the stars, see the clouds, Now so far, you're in doubt All you are is your clout Now the hour to shout With the power about the Messiah going out to the demons all about. Were alone but now you are not Take the hand of the Maker of land Maker of stars and sun Maker of everyone Want a spirit guide? You got one one Who has died and has risen, His name is Jesus He always sees us He guides and teaches Loves us and preaches, Put aside your idols, let them die, The true messiah is beyond the sky Mankind will fail you one day, so will I But I'm just a servant, I'm not the main guy, So if you're a loner like me you're a nomad Made of disgrace is the world that is so bad Nowhere left in this world that is so sad Take His hand He is your heavenly dad, a parent that the world could never be, A friend to the end that you cannot see, But you feel and you hear and you know you're not alone, Jesus Christ finally gave folks like us a home.